Category Archives: Gags



So, that man has three girlfriends he is hailed as a hero, a freelance donor and a gift to women, a bad guy in a nice sort of way but she has two boyfriends she is tagged and stigmatized as a prostitute a woman of the world. But let’s wait a minute, who is a prostitute and what constitute the act of prostitution? A topical and very controversial issue but I would do my best to dissect it. If you are a sanctimonious self-deluded pastor and a man of God please if you can’t stand the heat in this kitchen just simply pass jejely with hypocrisy because I know some of you are also at it big time. Lol… A cousin that is dating a girl called me this evening complaining seriously that she would have married her as he is in love with her, but he just discovered that she is dating another guy and here is this dope head of a cousin dating three different girls. He referred to her as an old prostitute and he is a month older than her. What did you say? I asked. “She is an old prostitute he reiterated,” I believe that makes you one too. I asked annoyingly. Here is the twist what is this madness where men have to refer to women as old and no matter how old they are they are referred to as guys. “Oh! Hear the stupid line ……..but at my age I should be dating someone at least five years younger than me at 34 she is old” Stupid dolt what is holding you down? Some men have issues in this crass society o!

Where was it written that the man must always be older than the woman and what exactly has age got to do with love? Is this scriptural or what? Someone educate me. Now, here is my question prostitution from my findings is not what should be taken lightly or should be boxed into a cliché’ that affects women alone but should be looked at holistically. The man that buy sexual services from that woman in my understanding is also doing something wrong if at all it is a wrong act. You get attracted to someone, paid for a service and then turned around to castigate her in a bid to feel good about yourself. That is hypocrisy! Many factors must be taken into account when addressing these issues, the reason why one embarks on it in the first place, the socioeconomic factors, circumstances, predisposition, religion; societal needs etc ….rather than boxed it into the moral and religious bracket. Even in the Bible it was Rahab the prostitute that acted as a reconnoitre that helped to achieve the bringing down of the walls of Jericho. Am I right?

This act is described as offering sex in return for favor, money or some form of remuneration, money really not being the only motivating factor and it does not involve only women in today’s world men are heavily involved in it and times have changed babes can also get on the phone call an escort agency to send their exact specification of the man they want. Would I dare call these men prostitutes? Na! But rather I would see them as men providing warmth for lonely women, a service that they get paid handsomely for. Those being the case why label the woman when she is doing the exact same thing? Prostitution the oldest profession in the world that predates Christ, what baffles me today is why men are still using it to derogate women. I have heard of situations where men offer their wives and girlfriends to dignitaries for a business proposal or a juicy contract yes, I heard it happens even in this clime so would you call such a woman a prostitute? When she is doing it because like that girl on the street corner hanging it out and soliciting for someone she too has a story to tell a reason to factor into the circumstances that drove her to that point. The man that sent his wife has a story to tell to and the circumstances that drove him to stoop so low to conquer and threw all caution to the dogs. The money or favor derived from this trade quite often satisfies a need. kind of a means to an end and both the client and provider do not see this act as anything wrong but rather a mutually acceptable pleasure for the benefit of all concerned. The married woman doing it to put food on the table for her family because maybe hubby can’t bring in money anymore as times are hard, the student doing it with her lecturer to pile in the grades, the woman doing it with her boss to get promotion at work.

My friend a married woman once told me she has to service her bosses now and again just to retain her job. The Nollywood actress doing it to get juicy roles in the industry, the list is never exhaustive, the man doing it to keep his family together as he has to keep the family going, the sex worker doing it to get money to help herself. The pastor doing it to provide a certain higher level of grace, since the belief is that the closer one is to the pastor the nearer they are to heaven, aren’t the pastors acting as the gate-keepers to heaven and providing holy sperm to those that need it? Anyone remembers that girl and that Pastor Fatoyinbo, Ese Walters? Lol… The truth is they are all doing it in one form or another, how you look at it determines your peculiar definition of it. Everyone doing it do it for their brand of reasons, for whatever remote expectations, quite often it is out of necessary circumstances rather than choice. Experts in this field are having issues defining who a prostitute is these days. You don’t have to be poor to engage in it, it does not have to be because of financial surge anymore, but rather it could be for other sundry needs or mundane expectations. I can never define any woman or man’s circumstances by this cliche’ nor am I in a position to judge anyone, folks do whatever they have to do to get whatever they want out of it. It is not me here acting the cupid goddess of sex or sexologist to folks but rather I am saying stop pointing dirty accusing fingers at women, stop stigmatizing them and making yourself feel good by it. If you fall into any of the categories of humans above, you have no right to insult another by calling them prostitutes and more so women. Entirely, my opinion, don’t listen to me I am just saying my own.

I know I may have touched the chord, that inner recess of your being and you and you are there saying this woman is a witch, well, that too is okay. Lol….. I agree I am as long as I am saying the truth. But stop judging people because we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God, the Bible said, I am quoting the Bible so you can relate with the story since you love your Bible so much, you know how you say it is the sacrosanct word of God that is why. Lol….Even Jesus asked you lot not to stone that woman in the Bible that was labelled a prostitute so it is annoying in 2015 folks are still castigating women when so many men are now sex on wheels. Okay, bye, Goodnight.

Portia Emilia Anthony


PostCard From London 1


This will be my first postcard from London to you posted on this blog. I hope that you will be happy getting it. I’m writing from Nottingham, a city synonymous with Robin Hood, gun violence, the Goose Fair Festival, etc. I will not delve into these issues now but in subsequent postcards.

I struggled with the early morning cold to reach the bus stop in order to catch a bus to work. A few meters from the bus stop,  people gathered for nothing else but to urge a disgruntled middle aged man not to jump from the 6th floor of a building. I got a glimpse of the man whom I presumed received government benefits (get paid weekly for doing nothing). He looked healthy and well-kept, although I was informed that he lost his job and also his marriage crashed.

I thought of Nigeria, and tried to reason how this scenario would have been if this is taking place somewhere in Aba. No one would have cared about him and at the same time the Police would have been waiting to throw him into the cell if he survived. If he jumps, that means less people and people must drink at his funeral. I risked missing my bus in order to see the end of the “movie”. Finally, he reached an agreement with the government negotiator via his cell phone not to jump, because he was promised a Council flat (rent at no cost). He agreed to go for counseling, which the government will also pay for. The Paramedics took him down from the angle where he stood, to the jubilation of his friends and family, whereas I got to work late. I can’t think of a lesson from this incident for you to take home, nonetheless till next time.

Originally published on Tuesday, 15 March 2011 by Maddox Ojimadu’s Blog

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My people, “You are too fat” is not polite greeting!


My people, “You are too fat” is not polite greeting!

You know how random people walk up to you and grab your love handles? Or jiggle your Christian mother hands and make comments like “Yah tu farht?” Well I have always wondered how they would feel if I walked up to them and rubbed their bald spot. Maybe even patted them consolingly on the head and said “Yah tu shoht”!

And what about those ones who run into you after almost a decade since they last saw you and by way of greeting, open their mouths and gabble out any variant of the following:

“Nne na wa o, you have added so much weight o.”

“Ha, I did not know you had it in you to be fat o, you were so skinny growing up.”
“Chineke, is this you? Heiiiiiiiiiiii, you are fat o!”
“Biko, biko, biko, take it easy o, or you will soon explode. I hope you are doing something to manage your weight o!”         *sigh*

I wonder if they realise how much effort and willpower it requires to refrain from saying, “Yeah, I am fat, da Lord has been good to me and things just seem to be falling in place at the right time. Hence the joy and peace of mind which keeps me looking a little bit more robust than most. But heyyyy, let’s talk about you. You look so emaciated, what happened? Is all well with you? Is everything going on fine in your life? Did your husband leave you? Were you sick or something?”

Or even better still, “Yeah, I know I am fat, but I am working on it, I go to the gym at least 5 days out of 7, and have an intense training regime I follow strictly with my trainer. Errr, you do look a tad bit uglier than when we last saw ten years ago. Are you doing anything to improve your looks?”

You see, we “fat girls” could say all that but we don’t, and you know why? Well maybe because we are well brought up people with church mind. Is that easy to understand?

No? Please try.

Try to imagine for instance, sitting beside a lekpa skele, the type we call “painfully thin”. Like this friend I had in school who would wake up in the morning and make a bowl of eba which she would then judiciously proceed to finish and scrape the bottom of the bowl. Five seconds later, she would complain to anybody who stopped long enough to give her a listening ear about how she was starving.

Her favourite phrase, “I am soooo hungry, I have not eaten since thirty minutes ago and even then, I only managed to finish one bowl of eba!”

As in “only”? You try. Well, the orobo sitting beside you managed to add 5kg just from inhaling the steam that arose from the one mudu of eba you “managed” to single-handedly demolish? Well done, you too much.

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